Medications and Therapy don’t work anymore

CW: self harm, suicidal thoughts

I’m at a loss. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m 25 and I’ve been in and out of therapy since I was 14. I’ve been diagnosed, then re-diagnosed over and over again.

First it was bipolar type 2, then major depression disorder with GAD, then PTSD, then Borderline personality disorder, then back to PTSD with major depressive disorder. To add I’ve never experienced mania so I really don’t think I’m bipolar.

I’ve been on a rainbow of medications through out these years and nothing works. I want to die, but I’m also too scared of going through with it. I’ve done every type of therapy thrown at me CBT, DBT, EMDR, Sensory therapy etc…

I’ve had an issue with self harm (cutting) to the point I’ve had to get stitches multiple times. I at one point was told by a therapist that she feels I know enough about counseling to warrant a degree in it. Nothing works. I’ve driven everyone I love out of my life either intentionally or unintentionally.

I feel so empty, to the point I feel sick to my stomach. I don’t want to feel this way. When I’m around people I’m told “you’re so fun to be around! How are you so happy all the time??” Well I’m not.

I don’t enjoy anything anymore, reading, drawing, listening to music, meditating, going outside, movies/tv shows. I used to love gardening and having plants all over my apartment, and now most of them have withered up and died.

When I have any time to myself all I do is curl up in my bed and watch dumb YouTube videos. The only thing that keeps me from completely locking myself away is work and taking care of my cat, he’s the best floof.

I honestly don’t know why I’m posting here. I don’t even know what I’m looking for…. great first time reddit post, eh?

Well thanks for listening to my TedTalk

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