I peaked in highschool

I (19M)was the awkward fat kid who never belonged anywhere, then lost a ton of weight and joined athletic teams and started talking to more people, made friends, held a night job for pocket money, brought my crush of 2.5 years to prom, and had an absolutly incredible senior year.

I was able to graduate and go to the local private college on a biology scholarship, but ever since college started I’ve been unable to be athletic and enjoy it, hated college and struggled at even 12 credits, I had to move out of my childhood home, now with no back yard, woods to walk in, no friends available most days, starting overobsessing about my diet even though I’m only 130lbs I’d rather die than get fat again.

I haven’t felt that rush of enjoyment out with friends, that rush of a close victory, enjoyment of gardening before I was forced to move into an apartment. The only thing close to that feeling in the past year I’ve felt was also when I’m intoxicated. Life has been dull, sad, tired, and I constantly find myself using google maps to look at how my (now previous) town used to look like when I was younger.

I miss highschool, I miss so much thst I used to take for granted. I want to go back to the days of just messing around, the days where my biggest worry was how I plan to stay awake in an economics class.

Whenever I see my highschool, or go through a yearbook, or any of the things that used to be second nature to me temporarally reoccur, I get a sensational rush of nostolgia followed by a grievance for a life I used to enjoy.

What do I do now? How do I deal with this cycle? if not for relations with some people who I don’t want to hurt I would have offed myself during the first year of college at my most stressful night that I couldn’t handle. But if I drop out I will owe all my scholarship money back and end up leaving the ‘eating spaghetti 5 nights a week’ that my mom had to endure after she dropped out of college.

Nothing in life is ever looking up for me, I feel that I’ve been attacked at all sides, Nobody is there for a shoulder to lean on, life is cruel, and the last year of my life has been a joke. I hate my life, I feel homesick, and I’m tired of knowing the world is going to shit.

The world is going to die and the government says it’s a myth, my country is slowly dying from a virus that was defeated by almost everywhere else, I’m not ever planning on having kids because they’ll be born into a world more cruel than the one we have now, that is if I could find another person to both care for sn be attracted to me first, which is more rare than a unicorn.

Sorry I went on a tangent, but I need advice, I’m lost, scared, and confused.

TLDR: My life has gone to shit since highschool has ended, and I’m in a really dark time, glorifying highschool days where life seemed more normal, albeit still not perfect.

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